Beauty

untitled (7)My heart will search forever

As eternity’s feared foe and loyal friend

For a soul that radiates such colour

That only your beauty transcends

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Them

Have you ever met someone

That you knew back when?

And your head starts to spin

When all you can think of is them?

 

I do not snore

 

Have you ever been woken

In the dead of the night

To a noise so horrendous

That a vampire takes flight

No it isn’t the council

Digging another great hole

Or miners at the work face

With giant trucks hauling coal

It’s not the Air Force out testing

A new supersonic jet

Or the army flexing its muscles

Because of Putin’s perceived threat

No the answers much nearer

It’s right there in your bed

That sound is her snoring

And you have a long night ahead

So you decide to nudge her

And you nudge her quite gently at first

But she just swears in her sleep

And the noise just gets worse

“Darling?”

“Darling?” you ask

“Can you lay on your side?”

But the abuse I can’t blog

I would need *%$£!*&%$£* applied

So you lay there and you ponder

Losing valuable sleep

Thinking of something constructive

Like those fluffy white sheep

You don’t dare wake her

Because she will moan all the more

But you are tempted to use the ball and the gag

That she keeps by the door

Minute after minute

There is no let up at all

The noise is relentless

Did she swallow a fog horn when she was small?

At last as the sun

Finally appears overhead

She wakes up to find you

An extra from ZOMBIES DAWN OF THE DEAD

“Sweetheart,” she says

“I slept like a log”

“Well I didn’t,” I reply

“I’m still counting the sheep and the farmer and some cows and sheep dog”

“Didn’t you get any sleep?” she asks

“What kept you awake?”

“Your snoring,” I reply

“You are a human earthquake”

“I am carrying bags for life” I tell her

“Under both of my eyes”

“So if you need to go shopping”

“You can just improvise”

“How dare you!” she says

“I have never snored in my life”

“Women don’t do that”

“And especially not your wife”

So if you want some advice

For the next time she snores

Cut a hole in the wall

And move in next door

My Night before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas
And no mouse could ignore
My keys in the lock
Then my fall through the door
I’m trying so hard to be quiet
And my temperance I befit
Then my reflection it scares me
And I go arse over tit
From the two lager shandy’s
To the three bags of crisps
How did I manage
To get myself pissed?
It was only a quick one
Or two, maybe three
I had been working so hard
On that cold Christmas eve
Life’s just one party
When you’re only eighteen
With mothers to love you
Through fathers regime
The climb up the stairs
And my nirvana awaits
My bedroom is safety
To hide my drunk state
Just avoid the third step
From the top cos it creaks
Then mission accomplished
And no havoc to wreak
I cant recall the three handles
All blurred on my door
Is it left or the right?
Or middle for sure?
In my mind I’m a ninja
All stealth like and quiet
But out in the real world
I am causing a riot
The bed is my sanctum
And swallows me whole
As I lay on my back
The world’s starting to roll
If I keep my eyes open
Its not so nearly as bad
But I need them to close
If some sleeps to be had
But the world just keeps on moving
And on its axis, it spins
But so does my brain
Its decline, it begins
I pass Linford Christie
As I sprint to the loo
Even he couldn’t catch me
With the speed that I do
With my head down the toilet
And no time for the lights
The sight of my state
Would give Bram Stoker the frights
So safety is reached
And my mind it feels dead
The bog is my pillow
The floor is my bed
So if you do read this
Just heed my advice
Remember its Christmas
You will pay a big price
For when your family are happy
And dinner is served
You will be in bed
Festivities swerved.

I like poems that rhyme

 

Approaching a milestone
On a life FULL of woe
I remember the good times
And a GIRL LONG ago
Her beauty it stunned me
Her glamour, her wit
Her legs and her bottom
Her hair and her t…PERSONALITY.
I ASKED her to tell me
To cut me some keys
To tell me her weakness
KEEP the wood from the trees

I LIKE POEMS that rhyme
               If you are trying to WOO me
                        Try Dr seuss
    His style makes me FRUITY
I would woo her with POEMS
                                   And sonnets I writ
    But rejected I was
                    COS my rhyming was s…terrible
the problem with you
                                She said, all landed GENTRY
            Your poems are BORING
                All so nineteenth century

A poem, I FELT
                         Should just float on the breeze
         It should open your HEART
Before it opens your knees
                                              IT  worked for Bill Wordsworth
  And for BROWNING and KEATS
They were treated like pop stars
And mobbed in the streets
                                                  The women they fainted
To RECITALS they flocked
              If one person LIKES mine
                              I will die from THE SHOCK

I will say it again
                               If you want TO IMPRESS ME
              Rhyme all the words
    If you want to UNDRESS me
Its like a CAT and a HAT
                                           Its like POLAR and molar
         Its LIKE language AND sandwich
      ITS like SOLAR and cola
All very good
                       FOR a girl you’ve just MET
         But your chances are NIL
             FOR poet laureate
          SO HEED MY ADVICE
               WHEN CHASING THE WOMEN
JUST TAKE OUT A MORTGAGE
      AND INSTEAD TAKE HER SHOPPING

The Monkey and the Doughnut

th (9)

I lie and I ponder
Both asleep and awake
That famous poem about Daffodils
How long did it take?
To rhyme that word with this word
With this word and that
With pronouns and verbs
With cat and with mat
I want to write poems
But through ignorance and flaws
My working title is………
CAN MONKEYS USE CHAINSAWS?
A dereliction of duty
Or one blind eye turned
To give a primate a chainsaw
The world must have turned
A doughnut I would give him
Entombed with red jam
Ringed with blue sprinkles
Or even covered in ham
Some washing to hang up
Or a bath full of suds
A house it could spring clean
Or peel a bag full of spuds
 
A knife throwers assistant
Spinning or holding balloons
Or flying a huge jet
Whilst bending some spoons
Swimming with dolphins
Or scuba or surf
Or scoring the winner
On Wembley’s green turf
Setting up his own business
There’s cars to be washed
Or dogs to be walked
Or grapes to be squashed
 
BUT CAN MONKEYS USE CHAINSAWS?
Just answer, don’t tease
There must be someone out there
Who can answer me
PLEASE?